my song

(Verse 1)
There’s big pieces of a life she can’t remember
Her mind shuts down, it’s trying to protect her
Might be for the best to forget but it seems like
They always reappear when she least expects
Late nights we lay awake, drowning in the lake that pours out of her face
Here’s late but she’s still not safe
Memories live out in the time,in the place
The way he smelled,the way he smiled
The evil she even recognized as a child
Hand on her throat, sting of a fist
Instead of her first kiss she got this
Shameful feeling, painful secret
Lonely knowin’ that nobody would believe it
Every wound that escapes her time capsule
Hurts like the day it was born and it’s brand new

(Chorus)
I wasn’t there babygirl but I’m here
I don’t know what to say I just hear
If there’s one wish I could make true
I would shoulder that pain and take it off you
Don’t run babygirl, don’t run
You gotta’ face what you fighting, head on
Only one thing I could say in truth
You gotta’ deal with the demons before they deal with you

(Verse 2)
How can she find peace in her mind when
Love means returning to the scene of a crime?
I can feel it inside we’ve reopened wounds every time we intertwine
Such an evil design when you can’t even enjoy the sweetness you find
Trying to see through the tears in your eyes and rebuild your shrine one piece at a time
E & K made it all fade away
Colors don’t burn no more it’s all gray
Cant find heaven from within that shell but it’s enough of a blessing if just not seen hell
Constant inner dialog says just end this roller coaster ride you’re on
Only one solution seems final: slide into a hole where your pain can’t find you

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
She said if I was meant to die he would’ve killed me
There must be a reason that I still breathe
I don’t have the tools to rebuild me
But I still believe that one day I could feel free
And my body can be mine again
My eyes can learn how to shine again
My inner child won’t have to hide and then
When I’m strong then love could be invited in
Sweet God that’s all I ask, of thee
I’m willing to give what you demand of me
I’m learning to embrace the reality
That life doesn’t always turn out how it’s planned to be
I didn’t deserve what was handed me
Only one who can grant happiness is me
What it takes for her to face the day
I can only hope to be half that brave

i find inspiration everywhere nowadays. At least i am trying to. funny how somethings find their way back to you. the way i used to eat, the feeling i get from the things i do ‘right’, the way i feel when i stand up for myself, when i work hard and when i awknowledge that i am getting closer to me. its hard, to be honest, to find your way out of a life that has become so immersed with clutter. unnessesary things that make things unclear for you. my goal is to really wipe the slate clean.

its good to remember but better to appreciate and leave it behind. i forget how heavy i let my baggage be and then i wonder why i have “back problems” or anything else. kind of like i am going to the airport and i need to leave certian things behind.

i feel a trip coming on, even if its a trip in my head. its coming. Im excited.

that’s all for now.

daydream

I get visions. Ok not like real ones where my eyes roll back in my head and i start speaking in tounges, but ones of the future. Maybe i make them up in my head and think that they are sent down from god. Maybe they are just combinations of pictures that i covet. Whatever label i throw on them, they are beautiful and they give me hope. Most of them are of my career and how happy i am doing what i love. Many of them are combinations of the adult life i hope to lead one day when i make it big.

I want to be a household name.

I want to change lives.

I want to be desired and loved unconditionally….

and i want that love to be from me to myself.

All of these pretty little things that i see somewhere in my head are little glimpses that never get old. They are incredible and amazing all at the same time.

Is it possible to dream when youre awake? I hope so….or else im crazy

from the surface of my thoughts

in the still of the night. i write. the only time my head and heart are really clear to see everything. this time of day or night is odd because it is just that- between day and night where you can look behind but also look ahead- expecting, with confidence.

understanding where you’re at and where you’ll be are extremely important. if you focus on today, this moment and nothing else- that is talent but most people can’t and wont control their mind. we are stuck between the past, present and future. putting ourselves in this position, how are we supposed to function and actually hear ourselves? no wonder we feel like we spin out of control.

how do we combat this and move forward without forgetting today? where is the balance that we forget to make an immediate priority-finding the importance of goals but the benefit of giving this moment your all?

“Sail Away”

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I’ve tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little Darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

I’ve been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to get some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
-david gray

OPEN BOOK

To whom it may concern:

I am sorry that I never took the time to really get to know you. All the excuses, the times where I said that I wasn’t feeling well, or that I was too busy to hang out, I probably wasn’t. I was drunk. I was hungover. And the last thing that I wanted to do was be judged by you. I missed birthdays, important holidays and times where I could have really bonded. Instead, I was throwing back vodka tonics, in hopes that it would glue me a little closer to the people in the bar, the room at the party and hell, even the park or beach. I know you were worried because I couldn’t help but notice the disappointment in your voice when I told you that I ‘already had plans’. Those plans were lethal and those plans are what helped me keep running from what I have needed to face for so many years. You know what happened. You heard the story and the hurt I was feeling. Maybe you thought that this way I would get closure or that you thought that I would just start to realize it on my own. Something would click. It never did click, you know. Instead of things falling together and in place, everything got more spread out like putting Kool-Aid in water; it spreads out and sinks to the bottom- like blood red sediment. I’m not sure if you knew at the time, but I was desperate for anything to grasp onto. Falling backwards, with a translucent covering over my eyes, into what I thought was ‘normal’ ended up hurting more than anything I had ever expected.

got to be true to myself

Its a weird spiral towards depression. It starts with a drink add an excuse sprinkle with compromise and there you go- a perfect recipe for failure. This failure is as haunting as haunting as being drowned or suffocated because once you jump in, its hard to swim to the top without a struggle. And who wants to struggle. I know what my passions are. I just want to be able to stick to them. I want to be reminded of the frustration i feel when cant do my best because of my own decisions. I keep wanted to be ‘normal’ ive said this my entire life. Why cant i be like everyone else? But the craziest part of it all is that if i would just live like i knew i should, i would be normal-comfortable even. All of this nonsense would make more sense because i want to be true to myself. I need to.

ironic that this song came up on Pandora?

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order’s tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I’ll be with you
But it will be a different “kind”
I’ll be holding all the tickets
And you’ll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Honestly- i’m all about honesty. Being one of my top five qualities i demand in a relationship, i couldn’t admire a person more for being honest with me, even when it hurts to hear it. As most people do (i hope), i talk to myself often, sometimes with positive announcements as if i have something extremely important to direct my focus to and other times, its negative self talk where i easily beat myself up, one low blow at a time. There is a point, in-between, where i feel that both ways can be completley distructive. Although my view of myself might seem totally skewed to some people, i know myself better than anyone else and what i look like or should or shouldnt be doing is eventually up to me.

i feel chained down to my appearance. My appearance is what is holding me back from being free. breathing fully and standing up tall and proud. i dont know if ill ever be able to let those chains go or what it will take for me to fully embrace who i am but i am constantly inspired by the honest nature of people who dont care. they are free and they put it out there. I LOVE THAT. i want that. how do i become who i have always wanted to be?

Our Collective Efforts Will Not Go Unnoticed

When we were young, our parents told us to ‘be yourself’ and that became our first challenge. Many took it head on and forced the friendly appeal- we thought the point was to be only a little different, and just different enough to distinguish us  from our friends. Little did we know, the moment we tore ourselves away from the mundane and ordinary lifestyle, that it would be the most unifying and attractive thing we could do for ourselves. Why is that? Because deep within us resides a spirit that is indescribable and undefinable. You never can put someones spirit in a box or post it on a billboard. But what you can do is secretly use what you say and do to evoke that feeling every one of us wants. Maya Angelou said once something like ’ people may never remember what you say or do but they will always remember how you made them feel.’ How are you hoping to make people feel? You aren’t in in for the money or fame.Have you taken yourself away from the crowd and norm to be an uncomfortably satisfying person? Separate yourself, if necessary.